March 31, 2018


This is a tough one, but I would be remiss if I only showed you all the amazing, and none of the bad. Some things I don’t share just out of respect for Brandon’s privacy. When Brandon was younger...way younger...I really pondered whether or not I would take an autism cure if it was handed to us. I can tell you all now, I would not hesitate for one second to rid my child of all of the pain, suffering, and heartache autism brings him. I no longer wonder, because the negative effects of autism can be so dehabilatating and so obviously painful for him. I can see why many parents would not want to give their child a cure. I do. But that is simply not our reality. It is not the reality for many families affected by autism.

To be honest, it is painful for us too, both physically and emotionally. Brandon’s meltdowns can be so aggressive and explosive, that it’s obvious to me that’s he is not really even there. He’s not functionally verbal, so he has no way to even come close to being able to tell us what he’s feeling. He is somewhere else, and all he can do is thrash and lash out to try and relieve his pain. His ABA therapist mentioned how we feel if we get a cramp - how your body reacts, and how your mind is panicked and not thinking clearly. It’s obviously on a more major scale than that, but it is the best way I can explain it. A meltdown for him is something totally different from a tantrum. He has tantrums, too, but a meltdown is a different ballgame, and directing related to his autism.

When he is upset he will not seek me out to hurt me. He hurts himself. However, if I try to intervene, he lashes out, with the full intent of hurting me. I cannot stand by while he hits his head against the wall, or bite his hands so hard to where I fear he will break a bone. It’s to the point that my husband won’t even let me restrain him if he’s home, because he is worried about me getting hurt. As the dad and husband, it’s a struggle for him to keep us both safe, and to help his son. Brandon is only six right now, and will only get bigger and stronger. I would take all Brandon’s pain for myself if I could. He is a good boy, with a good heart. He’s fun, laughs, plays in his own way, snuggles with me, kisses me, and pets his doggie.

Brandon feels bad after a meltdown, which breaks my heart. Right now we’re in a weird spot because we are somewhat limited due to the clinical trial we are in. We are constantly worried about the decisions we make for him. If we are making the right ones, and if we could be doing more...better. All any of us can do is the best we can though, you know?


  1. Wow this post absolutely describes my day with my son yesterday! I have been following your blog ever since my son was diagnosed 18 months ago and it’s almost as if you described our life!
    My son is is almost 4 and non verbal. Yesterday he had a huge meltdown at church after his sister went off to her Sunday school...nothing would calm him down!
    We’ve only been a few times and only a few people are aware of his condition. No one offered to fact the actually looked embarrassed and physically withdrew from us. I couldn’t leave because of my daughter. How I didn’t breakdown myself I will never know!
    I feel so isolated at times as I’ve yet to find someone else in our circumstances but reading your blogs brings comfort that we aren’t the only ones

    1. Oh Julie, I have been there! Sometimes I am in awe that I don’t breakdown right along with him, too. (I do at home all the time, though!) We are in search of a new church at the moment, but we are so fortunate that in our town several churches special needs ministries. We just need to find the right one!


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