July 22, 2017

High Highs and Low Lows

Two days in a row I wrote a Facebook post about my son, Brandon.  The contrast between the two was very eye opening for my friends and for myself.  The love came pouring in from my friends via texts and social media.

My first post said this:
For the VERY first time, Brandon asked ME to snuggle with HIM!!!! He took me by the hand, brought me in my room, and put my hand on the blanket I use to lay on the couch with. I picked it up and he took me to the couch. I sat next to him, then he pushed my arm toward his iPad and we cozied in together! We will always work on his speech, but I don't need words to know he loves me!!!

The very next day the envy and loss hit me.  
I'm outside jumping on the trampoline with Brandon and I just looked over at the neighbors' backyard and the dad is weed eating his yard, and his young son is right behind him with his toy weed eater following his every footstep. I just made me feel sad for James because he bought Brandon a toy lawnmower a long time ago hoping for the same kind of scenario that never happened. James has so many happy moments as father and son with Brandon that he wouldn't trade for the world, but in being honest about this whole autism situation, moments like this are a little bit heartbreaking.  A lot of our dreams are lost. We have a lot of new awesome dreams, and I can't imagine having any other child in this beautiful one in front of me, but sometimes these "comparing" moments can be sad.

I went on to say, 
It also kind of makes my post previous to this both happy and sad. Happy because look how much joy I had last night, but sad because it was something so small to everyone else that I was jumping for joy about. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. And I know...I know that I'm the grand scheme of things my son is alive. He is happy and he is healthy and things could be so much worse. I'm just in this funk right now and my mind is traveling to dark places like what will happen when James and I are gone and waiting for this miracle where he talks and can live independently one day. I have to end this rant with saying that Brandon is the best thing that has ever happened to me! Words can never describe how much I love him and my family!

I have these feelings of sadness and frustration, then I feel bad for feeling that way.   I am the luckiest mom in the world to have Brandon as my son. (There I go again!)  I think about him being older, thriving, and looking at my blog or Facebook posts feeling like a burden.  He is not a burden.  I know that sharing my difficult experiences are often more helpful to other special needs moms even more than the happy ones.  I can't stop helping others with my honesty, and it is therapeutic for myself to share.  
Autism sure is full of high highs and low lows.  The lows shatter my heart, but the highs...wow.  The small things that we all take for granted in life can make my shattered heart feel like it will burst with love and excitement.  I will not be embarrassed for being so excited about them!


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