March 14, 2015

The Doorway to Knowing Ourselves in God

"The doorway to knowing ourselves in God is often found in the relationship with someone who is solely dependent on our care."

This is the epitome of my relationship with God.  My faith has only matured since Brandon was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.  The hardest part about autism with the season we're in now, is the unknown.  There is so much I don't understand.  I still have moments that I look at Brandon, and I just can't believe he has autism.  It still hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes; in moments when I least expect it.  It's not something I ever planned for.  He was born a perfectly happy, healthy baby.  It wasn't until more than a year old that there was even a hint of a developmental issue.  I struggle with this.  I can't imagine how much greater that struggle would be without having faith in knowing that God knowingly, deliberately, and with care, gave me the honor of being Brandon's mom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
 and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
 and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
Over the last few years, I have learned what unconditional love truly is.  Having a deeper understanding of this has given me a glimpse into God's love for us.  As much as Brandon may take me to the end of my rope, there is absolutely nothing that he could ever do to make me love him less.

I don't know if I have truly been selfless until Brandon.  His needs come before mine.  I have learned to understand his wants and needs by being so in tune with him, that he doesn't even need to breathe a word to tell me.  Many time I can tell what he's thinking by the sheer flinch of a muscle.  There are moments where he screams and cries because he doesn't want to communicate his needs with me.  I know exactly what he wants, and giving it to him would save me time and alleviate stress and a headache.  I can't give in.  I have to endure the tantrums in order to help him be his best self.  If you've ever been around a screaming child, you know the feeling of just wanting the screaming to stop.  You would do just about anything.  It takes some major will power to wait him out.  Try doing this in the middle of the grocery store.  Talk about some inner strength.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14

The Lord guides our steps.  So, why do I constantly feel the need to understand everything along the way?  I should only focus on the things I can control.  All the rest is out of my hands.  It's in God's hands.  Have a mastered this?  No.  Will I ever?  I don't know.  But I try.  The serenity prayer essential in my life: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

“A person’s steps are directed by the Lord.  How then can anyone understand their own way?”
Proverbs 20:24


  1. Thank you for sharing this, I needed to see this today

    1. Comments like this encourage me to keep writing. Thank you so much.


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