February 3, 2015

Midnight Panic

I keep waking up in the dead of night.  My eyes pop open in fright and intense panic.  My heart is thumping.  Sometimes I sit straight up, my eyes darting, trying to catch my breath and make my mind work.  I wake up thinking, "Where is Brandon?"  This whole time I am completely panicked.  I'm on the verge of tears but too stunned to cry.  Or move.  It takes what seems like several minutes for my brain to adjust and remember that he is upstairs fast asleep in his bed.  A wave of relief rushes over me, then my heart aches at the memory and I have trouble falling back to sleep.

I am busier now than I have ever been since Brandon was born, as I am currently doing an internship.  I love everything about it.  I could not be placed in a better situation.  My hours during the day are not much longer than my regular job, but it not about the physical time.  It's the mental time that is a stressor.  I am mentally exhausted.  People say this all the time, but this is my truth.  My mind is on-the-go from the minute I wake up to the minute I rest my head to my pillow.

A huge part of this midnight panic is guilt.  I know I am a good mom.  I have no modesty or hesitation in saying this, so it's not that I think I'm being a bad mom.  It's just that with a child who already struggles to make a connection, throwing in a mom who's mentally bouncing from one thing to another makes it harder on the both of us.  When Brandon pushes me away because he's not in the mood to snuggle, or doesn't feel like including me in his play, I just feel a little helpless...rejected.  I can't help but thinking of what I have done to form a disconnect - if I have reached my mental capacity, and I'm just not providing enough.  I know better than to think this.  This comes from a place of guilt.  I know in my head that this is normal thing.  I'm craving some quality time with him, and he just wants to do his own thing.  These feelings are my issue, not his.  If that guilt didn't reside, I wouldn't be worrying about it.

After this week, a huge chunk of my work will be done, so at least part of my brain will be freed up.  A weight will be lifted off my shoulders, and the hardest part will be over.  I am truly enjoying myself, and working towards the job that I feel called to do.  I don't regret any of the time I am spending investing in myself, but it doesn't erase the guilt.

1 comment:

  1. Big hugs! You're doing great! The proof will come later. :-)


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