January 1, 2015

Today I Feel Defeated

Today I feel defeated; which his ironic because just this morning I was blogging about how the bad days are what make you appreciate the good days even more.  Not today.  Today was a bad day.  Something happened.  It’s honestly just too personal for me to share with the world.  Just know that today I did not see the silver lining.  There was no lesson learned, or character building.  My happy happy autism attitude has been squashed like a bug.

Today I understand how some autism moms get annoyed by people like me.  After what I went through today, the last thing I would want to do is read some inspirational, autism won’t get me down, there’s always a silver lining, keep your chin up story.

I packed Brandon up in the car drove to my mom’s house.  I felt numb.  Like a zombie.  We walked in the front door, and the second I made eye contact with my sister I just burst into tears. 

Now that hours have passed and I am not reeling from the situation as much, I find subconscious creeping in.  It’s telling me, “You know Rachael, lots of autism parents go through this every single day with their kids…and twice as bad.  You should feel lucky you’ve only dealt with this once, and it really wasn’t that bad.” 

Why do I do this to myself?  I do not let myself wallow.  Honestly, sometimes I have got to let myself accept it and tell myself, “You know what?  That was crappy.  It seriously sucks that you had to deal with that.  It seriously sucks that Brandon had to deal with that.”  Period.  That’s it.  It just sucks.

That’s all I’ve got for you.

2 comments:

  1. I love this one. Especially the end. <3 (January 3 at 9:20 AM)

    ReplyDelete

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